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| Roberts, Natalie. “Magnetic Poetry.” 2/13/05 via Flickr. Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic. |
Before:
Lane has been adamant to establish the fact that she has devoted an incredible 22 years to perfecting her mastery of ballet and this fact lies at the core of her argument. An artist as talented as herself clearly didn't deserve to have her contributions and her art form diminished so readily by a team of producers and Oscar campaigners. No matter where one stands on the overall issue- few people could say she didn't deserve more recognition; that she should be credited for more than the "hand model" or extra role in the film that she was given. Lane also stands to argue that it is entirely wrongful for the Black Swan higher ups to broadcast an untrue perception of ballet as a whole and to make it seem as if any amateur could master the art in just a year and a half.
After:
Lane has been adamant to establish the fact that she had devoted 22 years to perfecting ballet, a fact that lies at the core of her argument. She clearly did not deserve to have her contributions or art form diminished by a team of producers and Oscar campaigners. No matter where one stands on the overall issue- few people could say Lane did not deserve more recognition or should not be credited for more than the "hand model” like she was in the movie. Lane also argues that it is entirely wrongful for the Black Swan higher ups to broadcast an untrue perception of ballet by making it seem as if any amateur could master the art in just a year and a half.
Question:
"How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?”
- My rewritten section is a lot more clear and concise than the lengthy original paragraph. I eliminated any unnecessary words, confusing phrasing, and repetition. It is definitely better because it is shorter and easier to read.
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