Editorial Report 9b

Below is the rough cut and revised version of my introduction paragraph. This blog helped me edit my very rough essay.

Rough Cut:

I am currently a freshman at The University of Arizona studying to get my BFA in dance. While I am new to college education in dance, I have been dancing ever since I was three years old and am very familiar with this field. How does writing and dance go together, one may ask? There are many reasons professional dancers are put into writing situations throughout their careers. The three examples I am going to be talking about are writing resumes, writing grants, and creating choreography.

Re-edited Selection:

Dancing and writing are two intrinsically different entities. That’s just the fact of the matter and there’s no real purpose in arguing the point. Albeit they share their similarities, as all art forms do, but they differ fundamentally. That being said, writing and dancing are more heavily intertwined than one would think. How do writing and dance go together, one may ask?  Contrary to common belief and speaking from personal experience, writing itself is essential in a professional dancer’s life.  I am currently studying to attain my BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) degree at the University of Arizona and I’ve been dancing ever since the age of three. I’m widely familiar with the field- I’ve trained with many professional dance companies, I’ve choreographed pieces, and I’ve had some experience as a professional dancer. Most importantly though, nearly all of these situations I’ve gone through have required me to write. There are many reasons professional dancers are put into writing situations throughout their careers. Three such examples are: resumes, grants, and the creation of choreography. 

Questions:

1. How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

• The content changed a lot. Instead of starting out describing myself, I introduce what I am going to talk about throughout my essay. In other words, I added a thesis statement. This way my readers know exactly what this essay is about. Then I introduce myself and establish credibility. Overall, the introduction is a little longer and does a better job of introducing my topics.

2. How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

• The form is the same because it is in a paragraph for my essay. However, the length of the paragraph increased because I elaborated on my topics a little more and introduced my profession and why writing is important.